..::Previous entry: "DREAMs"::.. ..::Main Index::.. ..::Next entry: "DREAM"::..
04:21:2002 Entry: "A bunch of non-sequitors in a biographical sort of babble-ogue (long)"
A bunch of non-sequitors in a biographical sort of babble-ogue (long)
I am a non-stop human stomach today. It's the coldest it's been all season, the most snow on the ground all season (and it's March--weird) and my fat cells are crying out "Feed me! I'm cold! I need insulation!"
Believe me when I say that about 26 years ago, I was heroin chic. You'd never know it by looking at my Wisco-butt now. Yes, some day I have to scan that old picture of 14-year-old heroin chic Ann.
I do take more after my mom, who has always been plump. My dad has always been thin, except now he has old-guy-paunch, but I guess that's to be expected. My parents used to say that my build took more after my dad, because up until I moved to Wisconsin, I was always thin. Sometimes VERY thin. Sometimes VERY VERY thin. Huh-uh. I was thin because I didn't eat. I couldn't eat. I was not anorectic or bulemic. I just couldn't eat. Life and my personal situations had me too stressed to eat; my stomach was always tied in knots. Once I got married and felt comfortable with the people I knew, I was able to eat.
And eat.
I decided at age 16 I didn't want to be sane. I wanted to go crazy. I perfected my hand at drawing faces photorealistically so that I could actually "see" the people I created from my mind. I thought this would help me in my path to madness. I saw the movie "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden." For a literature class in 11th grade, we read that book. I was the only one in class who thought that book was very easy to understand. The other students didn't get it. I didn't get the other readings we had to do that everyone else enjoyed. I wanted to be schizophrenic like the character in "Rose Garden." I found out though, that try as hard as I might, if you're not insane material, you won't go insane.
I had a friend go insane instead, and kill himself.
I never went insane. I never took medication. I never got therapy. I saw a "Master of Social Work" for a few sessions while I was depressed in graduate school, and that was it. I realized it was BS and stopped.
They say if you have traumatic experiences in your childhood, like a sickness or physical abuse, it can leave you with special gifts of perception. I never had a serious sickness, just many, many, many minor sicknesses--flus, fevers, painfully sore throats and many, many emotional traumas, day in, day out. I never had physical or sexual abuse. My parents weren't alcoholics or drug addicts. But I admit to this day, I envy those who experienced that. Why? It's so easy to find a support network when you come from that background. I can't find a support network for myself. I try to explain to people what I went through when I was young, and people don't understand, they just wrinkle their nose and say, "oh, how awful," or "that's weird" with more disdain than if I said my father was a sexually abusing alcoholic. There's no use in trying to explain any further as no one would understand.
Bad experiences with people at a young age does leave one with the ability to perceive and sense things. I can sense certain things about people, what they're going through, or what they're like, whether they're genuine, good, nice or, dare I venture into Bushspeak...evil. Bush is a Cancer too. But that doesn't mean I like the guy. ;-)
My lack of socialization from a young age (I had no relatives, no brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandparents lived far away and I didn't see them much, and eventually they died) compounded with the fact that my parents didn't stay in one place very long due to my dad's job search, left me very shy. I eventually lost that and in my 20s became quite assertive as an artist in my constant seach for my own success. Of course no matter how hard you try and push yourself forward, it cannot ever top what is handed to those who already "have." They will always get ahead. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you have to work hard. It's not what you know or what you have done, it's who your parents know. My parents didn't know anyone.
I was assertive and "un-shy" until I moved to Madison. My assertiveness was like a branch growing forward, but as soon as the strong winds of graduate school hit me, it snapped. Then Stan's very traumatic experience in graduate school made it break. It hit me, it doesn't matter how hard you try, how good you get at something, how sincere you are at what you're doing. There's only two things that matter, 1) Who your parents know and 2) Whose ass you kiss.
Not taking kindly to the concept of acquiring disgusting human diseases, I, like Eric Brooks, kiss no one's ass. So, let's take a look back. My parents don't know anyone, and I kiss no one's ass. Sure recipe for failure, or at least failure as defined by post-modern American society.
At this time, not only was I sick of getting sick at my job from their lousy airconditioning policy, but I was also tired of the BS of being Dilbertized. Quitting a job is scary. I tried to go freelance in town, but only found one taker, who hasn't even contacted me for work in ages. I realized that I'm much better off working for myself as an independent artist who sells my own designs online. All the time spent trying to get interviews and working on my resume are much better spent MAKING ART. I have become a subversive. I subverted the system. All the times spent as a teenager growing up in the 70s and wishing I'd been young in the 60s, dreaming of protesting, participating in sit-ins, being a subversive, I actually achieved it in the 90s by being a REAL subversive, not a socially-sanctioned one. I'd be miserable being Dilbertized again, that is, if I could even GET Dilbertized again in the first place. Lots of time I feel that people resent the fact that I'm indie, that I don't have a boss to be accountable to. Well, the pay isn't great, in fact it's downright awful, but it more than makes up for it in freedom, both personal and artistic. Yeah, being indie is GREAT. I wouldn't trade it at all.
The broken branch has now completely snapped off the tree. Due to some very bad experiences I've had in the last decade, there is no more branch reaching out to others, reaching out from myself. Only in a rare circumstance will I try it, and hope that they don't take me as a crackpot. Usually they do--or they just ignore me--but I am grateful for those who don't (you know who you are). Attempting to befriend people only sometimes works. Mostly it doesn't. Lately I've decided to remain silent most of the time. There are only a handful of people I contact online. I'm turning shy again, like the way I was a long time ago. The person I was in my 20s, or even my 30s, striving for achievement and success and making contacts, is gone. I have become Queen Curmudgeon.
I really haven't been what one would call "bad." I've never stolen anything from friends or family or stores (do you count taking the occasional pen and stickynotes home from work "stealing"? OK, I'm guilty of that). No, I am not making this up...I have NEVER shoplifted. I've never driven drunk or under the influence of anything. I've tried drugs, but neither legal nor illegal drugs sit well with me; it always produces the inverse reaction of what it is supposed to do. So I stay away from druggies and doctors...they're both bad for my health. I do not cheat on my taxes. I am not just saying this because people read this (I think people read this anyway), I really don't. I never took a deduction for contributions to charity until this past year because we never made any worth writing off until this past year, although I know lots of people take the maximum amount regardless if they contribute or not. I only write off things that I use directly in my business, like computer equipment, software, etc. I don't write off "fun" software or hardware used on a spare computer for Stan, although I know many people would write that off. Is it for my respect for the IRS? Hell no. I hate the IRS. I hate authority. I hate these institutions so much that I don't ever, ever want to have to deal with them. That's why I'm very careful with what I do so I hopefully (crossing fingers) will never have to encounter them and their minions.
My badness, no surprise, comes in the form of subversion and usurpment of authority. I've gotten in a lot of trouble with my art professors over this. I won't go into details as some of it is very painful. Some of my subversion isn't even intentional. Who would've known that a picture with an abstract penis in it would cause such an uproar in a gallery I was in? I mean that's just absurd. Who knew that a show Stan and I did in '83 would infuriate the Christian community on campus? It wasn't intentional. The latest show I'm part of is in a hospital. Flyers went out specifying that the work entered could not contain nudity and gore. Oh please, aren't we beyond this yet? Actually, it doesn't effect me anymore because I no longer work narratively...all my work is texture and pattern and paint...no humans--I'm sick of humanity--but there's still a 20-something Ann inside of me wanting to do a gory nude...just for that rule and regulation...and seeing if anyone will kick me out of the show! (Or maybe just a picture of Al Gore nude)
Sometimes I think of the people I know who have let me down or contributed to my mistrust of humanity. What has happened to them?
Well, most recently, a friend of ours who we got together with on a regular basis for several years dumped her lover, changed her sexual orientation (not the way you'd think, either!) and completely intentionally left us out of the loop. All news on her is now heard third-hand. After we were so supportive of her and everything, she has "dumped" us. Why? What did we do? Nothing. We were nothing but thoroughly supportive and wanted to be her friend through her very hard time. And now this. Last I heard, she is filing for domestic abuse charges against her husband and is getting divorced. Hmmm.
A jerk-ass art professor who mislead Stan, threatened a sexual-harrassment suit against him (for using the word "fuck!") and outright lied to him, lost his son recently, a chip off the old block, in a very strange and rare drug reaction to medication. Hmmm.
Someone we used to know who ridiculed us for not wanting to be yuppies and spend lots and lots of money on superficial appliances, got divorced, lost her house, and filed for bankruptcy the other year and has since disappeared off the radar screen. Hmmm.
And this is an oldie but goodie. My Spanish teacher from Junior high initially liked me because I was an excellent student, but I eventually fell out of favor with her because I wasn't one of the kids that went to Mexico on a 9th grade field trip. Seems like only the "rich kids" could afford the trip, which was most of the class, except me and a few of the Hispanic kids and a few of the failing students. Although I still continued to get excellent grades, I was no longer one of her "preferred" students. (I switched to French in 10th grade). About a decade after that, I heard she killed herself. Hmmm.
Gee, Ann, did you put a Gypsy curse on them? Give them the old Evil Eye? Nope. Didn't need to. They brought it on themselves.
As Lou Reed said, "I'm gonna stop wasting my time. Somebody else would've broken both of her arms."
5 Comments
Wow... the origin of Ann. Now I know why you're the brilliant artist that you are!
Posted by gOdOfMiScHiEf @ 03/03/2002 05:41 PM CST
Wow, thanks, that should be your about page really =o)
Posted by Nico @ 03/03/2002 07:51 PM CST
You probably won't believe me, but I had the same reaction to "I Never Promised You A ROse Garden"! The book, I never saw the movie. I read it in 8th grade, and a lot of strangeness followed. I too ended up sane, without medication, and without any real reason to want to be insane. Strange. Well, I didn't turn out nearly as well as you did, so maybe I should have waited until High School to read the damned book! (My timing always sucks!!)
Posted by Maria @ 03/03/2002 09:15 PM CST
Awesome! I remember waiting and waiting to see your pages load with my 9600 modem and it was always worth it. I've long admired your artwork but even more so now that I know more of the history behind it. Thanks.
Posted by ali @ 03/04/2002 02:01 AM CST
Thanks you guys. I've been thinking of adding it as a link from the about page. I think the about page should be pretty superficial initially and then get a little more gruesome as one gets into it. >:D I was also going to do it as sort of a list of things about me like Nico did, but I always get off on tangents. ;-\ Maria, that's quite a coincidence! I think most of the people in my high school class were creeped out by that book. Well, they were a bunch of pre-preppies anyway. And I don't know about me turning out better than you! ;-)
Posted by Ann @ 03/04/2002 09:56 AM CST